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The West Side Newspaper has been publishing its monthly newspaper in West Salem, Oregon for 25 years! Welcome to our website. We hope you will find it useful and will visit us again soon
The West Side Newspaper has been publishing its monthly newspaper in West Salem, Oregon for 25 years! Welcome to our website. We hope you will find it useful and will visit us again soon
Antique disappoints local businessman
A prominent West Salem business executive, Buzz Nettle, was devastated to learn his great, great-grandfather’s prized goat statue was worthless. Handed down from father to son for 157 years, the wooden carving was dragged to Oregon in 1853 by Ardel Nettle, a low stakes gambler from Iowa and a forgotten member of “the lost wagon train”.
When the popular television series, Antiques Sideshow, came to West Salem in January of this year, Nettle shoved his way to the head of the line, giddy with excitement to learn the value of the family treasure. He didn’t have long to wait. As the TV cameras hummed, the bearded Nettles was told the creaky statue was a forgery. A poorly whittled knockoff of a dime-store knick-knack, worth less than a dollar.
“The SOB’s don’t know what they’re talking about,” he told a reporter after the show. “Nettle’s ain’t no fools. That goat is worth at least ten grand. Easy. I’m puttin’ it on Craigslist tonight. I’ll keep ya posted…”
Prince Charles overthrows mum
In a rare display of manhood, England’s Prince Charles seized control of the British throne. Citing frustration over the lengthy reign of his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, he decided enough was enough. After waiting impatiently for his mummy to croak, Charles apparently felt 58 years as Queen was long enough. The BBC broadcast the following pre-recorded announcement from the newly appointed monarch:“As of today, I am in charge here. You may now address me as King Charles. I want to assure my loyal subjects all across the British Isles, the imprisonment of the former Queen and select members of the Royal family is for their own good, especially William and Harry. Princess Camille and I have moved our belongings into our rightful quarters at Buckingham Palace.”
The British tabloids reported the coup as a shameless power grab by an insipid pretender to the throne. Caught hoisting a pint at a local pub with a small group of wannabe’s brown-nosing for improved staff positions, the new King refused to grant requests for interviews.
“Shut your gob and leave his Majesty alone,” screamed an unqualified candidate for the Private Secretary’s Office. “He’s got big decisions to make. You tabloid freaks will bollocks the whole thing. Pack your gear and be off.”
Turning to the bartender, the King was overheard shouting, “Hey mate, how about another round for my friends? Just charge it to my new account at the Palace.”
Coach surprised background info available
During a recent press conference, Glen Creek University Head Football Coach, Eugene “Chump” Rock, admitted he was shocked to find out background checks on potential recruits were readily available. Had he done his homework, perhaps the continuing string of arrests and suspensions of Beagle players could have been avoided.
“Yep. You might say I’m a bit shell shocked right now. We only look at guys on film when we recruit. If our coaches are impressed with their size, speed, and toughness – we go after them. Keep in mind, they also need to have the minimum grade point average or score at least low enough on their SAT’s to get past those admission goons. In my wildest dreams I never thought character was important or you could run a background check on a potential player. I guess even at this level there’s stuff you can learn,” said Rock.
“I also found out other teams get involved in this garbage all the time. That makes sense to me now. I was always a little surprised when other teams in our conference went one or two games or sometimes a whole season without suspending players or kicking anyone off. But I want to let our fans know from this point forward we are going to institute background checks on every recruit before we sign him – unless he’s so darn talented we have to make an exception.”
In other Beagle news, long-time Athletic Director Cecil Rommel announced his retirement. He was vague about why he was leaving the school after 27 years. Unidentified sources claim it was the “not so secret” document he recently submitted to the NCAA. Fears are growing throughout the suburban GCU campus that Rommel submitted paperwork stating the Beagles will decline to pick up their 2012 option on their football program. If so, it would end 116 consecutive seasons of Division I football in West Salem.
“It’s time I move in a different direction,” gulped Rommel. “Rumors are rampant and I want to reiterate I’m not ducking anything, I just can’t comment at this time. You gotta understand something. There are some terrible obligations to the university that would automatically kick in if, say, we were to win a Rose Bowl. We can’t afford to make the same mistake we did in 1917. History will not be repeated on my watch.”
